This is a one-day course training intervention, accredited by City & Guilds which is interactive and evidence-based. It applies both theory and practical skills. There is an optional assignment and enrolment fee payable, open to every learner upon completion of the day course, to gain a City & Guilds Level 4-unit qualification. Click Here

Held at two magical venues in Suffolk, Belle Grove Barns and Butley Priory. The all-women retreats, focus on enabling personal empowerment and balanced well-being. With tailor-made treatments and time for each small group of 5 women to bond, a Niroshini Transformative Retreat, offers the chance to develop that deep core within each of us; that intuitive and “knowing” place. ~ A safe and nurturing environment, to encourage the sharing of knowledge and personal development. Click Here

The men’s retreat is held at the stunning moated, Grade II* listed country house, Boxted Hall, part of the Weller-Poley’s estate, set in 250 acres of rolling parkland. This retreat is designed to empower you, with greater knowledge of the “psychology of the mind”, as well as focusing on the importance of spiritual health. Combining both, is the bridge that forms optimum health and well-being.

What makes the retreat unique?

We are building a network of corporate companies and businesses who would like to sponsor a space. This means that our retreat, is accessible to those who otherwise, may not be able to finance the day. Click Here & Click Here

In “The Joyous Body”, written by Clarissa Pinkola Estés, nature teaches us how to become nourished through our wounds, if we allow. On unforgiving mountains, in the barren starkness, beyond the upper limit, where trees were said to not grow, is where Clarissa formed her deep bond with the bristlecone pines. She shared her love – they shared unlimited wisdom in abundance.

The trees past the timberline, were not immediately visible, as they hunkered down, kissing the granite rock; to the unknowing eye, they could be mistaken for bushes. These trees, older than Christ, survived brutal cyclical elements. Then there were the trees, holding onto the furthest rocks, jetting out over canyons.

The trees, seemingly bushes, on the most unrelenting side of the mountain, stretch across the rock, instead of the sky, in order to grow. Clarissa mused on how many of us, have been bedridden, emotionally, physically, through life’s challenges and yet, we still grow. The trees balancing on jetting rocks, on the less windy side of the mountain, are again, where people say they can’t exist. The fact is, they have found a way to thrive, in the most remarkable of circumstances. Clarissa notes that what she witnessed in them, is the spirit in the psyche, even past 2,000 years. It’s that life force, streaming, unbounded, cursing through the soul of the tree.

What Clarissa learnt from these wise, magnificent teachers, was that they had adapted in body, to withstand all that came their way. As people, if only we “allowed” this “listening” between the self and body to occur – Clarissa describes the body as “our beautiful companion and consort” – we’d expand deeply in knowledge and wisdom too.

We have the same access to energy for vibrant health, as the trees do, however, if we do not bring light to our wounds and allow for the healing of our samskaras, then this shakti or life force is blocked. In Indian philosophy samskaras are “psychological imprints”, “mental impressions” or “recollections”, engraved on our energetic body. Michael J Singer talks in his book, “The Untethered Soul”, about old TVs, that had a couple of channels and if you switched one programme over, you could still see the last image, seeping through on the screen. That is what an energetic imprint is, something that has occurred in the past but still has left an impression upon us. We have vortexes of energy throughout our entire system, hundreds of them. However, most are familiar with the main seven vortexes, chakras, from the crown of our head, to the base of our spine. These energy wheels, get blocked, when we don’t let go and heal past traumas and disturbances.

In life or through doing inner work, the same trigger may occur, even when you thought it had been healed. For example, a trigger could be abandonment. This does not mean, that you’ve gone back to step one, in your healing. Consciousness is ever expanding, ever growing; it cannot go backwards. You are consciousness so you too, are not going backwards. All this simply means, is that you have expanded so much to the degree, that you have developed to the stage, of having a greater understanding of the samskara, in order to fully bring it into full awareness, to finally release it.

Like attracts like so if you have not healed a wound, then your emotional body will be crying out, for you to heal it and that is why vibrationally, there is a point of attraction within you, that in fact is seeking this discomfort to occur, in order for you to fully integrate it, through mental alchemy (from a negative to a positive) to become whole.

Life is always going to be about healing; that’s our duty, in the expansion of consciousness as a whole. There is no end point to healing. Simply new lessons to be learnt and experience to be shared. You can never sever your connection to source, as you are an extension of source itself. It is through connection to the world around us and people, that we learn. Life is our guru.

It is through this adaptation, to the surrounding elements, that the bristlecone pines were “tested” and subsequently, listened in order to thrive in their surroundings. Clarissa says “We live there in both those ways with the body, out there taking risks, hanging on, growing, developing nonetheless and also lying close to the ground if need be and growing nonetheless anyway”.

Clarissa marvelled about the fact that, the bristlecone pines, were written upon. Through deep inspection, L’s and T’s, R’s and A’s were engraved into their skin, by the wind that scarred them. The dust would settle into the marks, like beautiful, inky black tattoos. An untamed, magnificent beauty, etched by Gaia.

Clarissa then thought why, in our society, is being unmarked, a sign of beauty? The bristlecone pines were breath-taking in their beauty. Are we supposed to not have a history reflective of our survival stories. Clarissa said, “All I know, is that every creature that lives on the face of this earth, if they have dared to live, they are scarred, they are written upon in some way”.

The continuous, unabated ruthlessness of the environment, cause the trees, to anchor down, deep into mother earth, far enough so they are firmly held in her grasp. However, due to being on mountainous terrain, with rocky granite bedding, when it rains, the droplets are driven off the surface.

Amazingly however, there are insects that burrow deeply into the earth and feed off the tree root systems, making little bites across the entire root line. The beauty of this, is that the insects are in fact removing the hardened skin of the roots, allowing for when the quenching water does get past the granite fort, to nourish right to the wound of the root. This symbiotic relationship, that open up their “venous system” as Clarissa describes, allows the bristlecone pines, to receive the nutrition they require.

It is only through this allowance, of a relationship to form, can we understand the meaning behind our samskaras and bring our consciousness into a state of awareness. It is this relational development with our environment and people, that we need to let in, to shine a light on our deepest wounds. We can only expand in consciousness, through connection.

Let’s acknowledge our wounds, nourish them with the light of awareness. Be proud of the lessons, release the samskaras and wear our physical scars with pride.

If you require support on your healing journey, Melissa can faciliate this, via her Zoom Talking Therapy. 

I deserve…

I am worthy…

I am enough…

Are any of these phrases hard for you to feel or say… do you have a receiver block?

If someone compliments you or gives you a gift, offers to help you, shows you affection and care – these are forms of love. It’s really helpful to understand how an individual or certain cultures translate their “language of love”, for example, some cultures may associate giving food as a symbol of love.

If someone gives us something, it does not mean we can receive it. Therefore, if we have the inability to receive, this in fact shows us that we cannot receive love. We may really want love, however, it’s really common to really desire something, yet block it at the same time because there’s that little voice inside that believes we don’t deserve love.

Our receiving blocks are usually formed in childhood. This may have been because love that was given to us was only shown based on conditions, such as having to achieve or earn something in order to be loved. This early learning, shaped our understanding that love and receiving are negative. This interpretation, then influences our belief system – we have to earn something in order to deserve something – so therefore, if someone tries to “give”, this makes us distrust the motive behind it. If love is given in order to have something in return, this is not love.

In our early years, if we have experienced trauma, pain or anything uncomfortable in our environment, something called “armouring” is developed. Armouring is in essence a shutting down of our energy system in order to shield and defend us from people and the world around us – so we are not open or receptive to others. It can play a role in helping a child use what mechanisms they can to protect themselves emotionally however, as they transition into adulthood, this armouring, can play havoc with relationships with others and the universe as a whole. We start to carry around the belief that people and the universe are not safe.

When a child armours, this is directed through their first chakra known as the root chakra which represents safety, stability and survival. Therefore, when a child does not feel safe, the first chakra activates, creating a defence strategy, hardening it like a shield as a protective mechanism. Therefore, each time this “unsafe” feeling is triggered, this shielding or barrier gets harder and harder. This aspect of our inner protector is initiated by our masculine energy, our yang; on guard, ready to protect, always anticipating danger. This barrier is a block between you and the universe so there is no natural rhythm of energy between you and everything else which is painful as it’s not natural, it’s in fact impossible for us to detach from the universe as it fundamentally is what our existence is based upon. To try to separate ourselves, impacts our ability to manifest, as our external world is a reflection of our inner world. As within so without.

Receiving blocks are usually associated with the heart, for example, when it comes to relationships. Although this is true as we get older as the more we shield and harden, this protective strategy then takes over our entire energy system which includes the heart chakra – the receiver block in fact starts in our first chakra, not the heart chakra. Each chakra is slightly differently approached when is comes to addressing armouring so it’s helpful to know that the first chakra, is where we initially need to focus our healing.

If we have a difficulty in receiving love, this usually indicates a disbelief and mistrust towards a person’s motives. Our armouring that we’ve created stops us from being able to receive. If our experience of love in our early years was not given unconditionally, then we can grow up, not recognising actual love when it’s staring us in the face; we don’t see it and we can’t feel it. The mere thought of being offered something makes one feel vulnerable and for example, can trigger a feeling of us giving our power away to someone, resulting in a sense of alarm and fearfulness. Giving our power away, could be associated with love being given to us where we then were in a position of feeling indebted to that person, through guilt or duty so it felt like entrapment. In this respect, love is given as a form of leverage and what the “receiver” may try to do in return is reciprocate, only to avoid being trapped so that the giver doesn’t have the upper hand. If we were made to feel as if something was wrong with us by our parents or caregivers by being mistreated or having love based on conditions as a child, our ingrained belief is that we can’t be loveable, just as we are because on some level, we feel flawed because why would we have been treated in that way in the first place if we weren’t.

In childhood, when the armouring starts and the child begins to form a separation with themselves and the universe, it’s very painful to experience and upon this disassociation with the universe, a child starts to form a story about this and how they feel and this is when energetic imprints and beliefs are formed. The story could be something along the lines of “I’m a bad person, I’m not good enough, I’m not worthy, I can never be abundant, something is wrong with me, I don’t deserve, I feel guilty and shame – which can lead to self hatred and different forms of self abuse, such as forming an addiction or self harm. This energy is feminine in nature, yin. When this negative self talk begins, beliefs start to take shape and energetic imprints form and go into all the chakras, the first chakra initially. These energy imprints influence how your personality, ego and beliefs form as you grow older. This stored energetic information is what we build our personality upon.

People who can’t receive, block any notion of help. They refuse to ask for it and they don’t receive much help, as they are distrusting of the universe and everyone around them so feel that it’s “them against the world” and that in order to do or have something, they have to do it alone. They don’t often see help when it’s being offered but if they do, they will usually instantly seek holes in it, to try to reveal that the intention behind it, is not pure. They feel unworthy of help and in a sense see it as a negative – a way to illustrate that they are not capable of doing it alone.

If we have experienced love and lost it, whether that be through a breakup or a death of a loved one, in order to not experience this pain of loss and to go through the grieving process, some feel it’s more practical to push any form of love away because “love hurts” or “love is not safe” so they protect themselves from potentially feeling that same pain again. If we experience multiple breakups, it may seem that the love was never real and therefore we dismiss the idea of love existing but it did during that period, it wasn’t fake. Essentially, even if on some level we want love, if we feel undeserving of love, we’ll be blocking it at the same time.

At Niroshini, we have various approaches to helping you:

1) Inner child therapy. Going into your past, may seem daunting but you’d be surprised at how simple and fast the techniques are to help support you. This will allow you to visit situations that made you feel unsafe and vulnerable and change them – change their energetic frequency from a negative to a positive. This will teach you mental alchemy and the more you do it, the easier it will become. This process enables you to reparent yourself which is one of the most powerful healing tools you can have.

2) Emotional Freedom Technique. Again this is a fast and easy way for you to learn to alter your thought patterns and empower you to live in a healthy way with yourself, others and the universe. We can address beliefs and imprints through this technique. As talked about, our personality and ego are formed based upon the information ingrained initially in our first chakra and this is exactly where we focus the healing to start with. Unless we address the energy imprints in the chakras, the mindset does not shift, as this is the foundation of where our personality and ego evolve. Neural pathways of the brain are rewired as a result of this therapy.

The universe does love you, creator, god, source loves you.

For more information, please email: info@niroshini.com

There seems to be a collective ineptitude around tragedy. People feel ill-equipped if not operating from a well-rehearsed script and apart from saying unhelpful things, this not knowing how to face grief head on, can end up meaning that people completely avoid it altogether, leaving the other person to deal with it on their own. It’s not something to be brushed under the carpet, it’s not something that can be medicated by another saying, “just stay strong!”, “you need to move on”, you’ve got to get over this”, “it’ll get better”, “let’s just go and do something that makes you feel better, he wouldn’t have wanted you to be upset”, “just grin and bear it”, “you’ve got to deal with it”, “that’s what life deals us” etc. We must not use positive focus, to move away from ourselves. By burying emotions, the grieving process takes even longer. It’s actually preferable that somebody let’s their life break down completely and then once they move through those emotions, life starts a new cycle.

Our ancestors knew that our natural survival and make up, was one of a tribal nature. This meant that if one was sick, then someone could look after the other. If someone was grieving, then there were others in a position to support that person, as they were not in that same emotional space. The way our society has evolved, is that we no longer have this woven fabric of community support which was part of natural human survival. It therefore, goes completely against the grain, to have a person fall to their knees and collapse in silence. That’s the reason why people who are faced with grief, chose to escape and run from it – because there’s no network of support to hold them. 

In the 1770s in England, the black armband was first adopted, to signify mourning. In the Regency Era, 1795 to 1830, it was a societal expectation, that men and male children, wore black crepe armbands, along with black suits. When Queen Victoria’s husband, Albert died in 1861, to honour him, the royal servants, wore black crepe armbands for at least eight years. If we re-adopted this act of mourning and saw people walking around, with their grief exposed in broad daylight, whilst shopping for groceries or travelling on the underground, I wonder how our relationship to tragedy would change. Grief needs to be shared, not judged.

When something is lost, it can cause pain – and in its vacancy – resides grief. No one is exempt from loss. We must remember that the dark days are part of the natural order. Transformation is painful.

Grief can appear in every shadow and shade of life. The timeline for grief is unique for the individual and it’s completely normal, to feel as if you have regressed, in your evolution towards inner peace. The avalanche of pain, if you allow yourself to dip into it, is so consuming that it can be overwhelming. Grief feels fatal. The shock and violent trauma, brings us to a state of powerlessness. Greif is complex and it looks different for different people:

The woman who realises she has been in a cohesively financially controlling relationship, within the infrastructure of a domestically abusive marriage, who is mourning the lost years and comforts her younger self for not seeing what was happening and letting herself go through this pain for so many years. The best friend you had found in a dog, your grandma’s ring you could never find, a place that felt like home that you can never return to, a relationship or connection that was not reciprocated, a friendship that dissolved, grief for old parts of you that have been buried and forgotten which you wish you could express in order to be your true self once again…

The “power” of grief is driven through its purpose of which is to find connection once again. This is when we allow ourselves to “feel”, to “remember” who we are at our core and surrender to the fact, that we live in an interdependent universe, where one, cannot exist without the other. By swimming in the depth of emotion that grief offers, it reminds us that we are not detached or alone, that is simply an illusion that appears real – we are part of and integral to and of this world. We’re integral to the existence of source, as every time we learn and grow in consciousness, it is able to do the same. If we strip back to our true essence, who we are, all we really strive for at our very core, is connection and what’s submerging us in pain, is feeling the lack of it. We can only know connection if we know disconnection so grief, is an opportunity for us to find our connection once again. Without experiencing the opposite, we would not be aware of the other. Without dark, we would not be aware of light. Therefore, we will desire the opposite, when launched into the negative; if you’ve lost someone, you will want a sense of connection once more.

There is no way around grief. It is the great agent that navigates us through the “emotional scale”. We essentially start from a state of powerlessness; the trauma and shock you feel when you learn of or come to terms with, something or someone that you love, has now gone. The opposite of powerlessness is empowerment so now, as we move through the emotional scale of grief – denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance – we will be seeking a way, to bridge the gap between the two polarities, of all emotional states. The process of grief will close the gap between the negative and positive emotional vibrational states, such as guilt, rage, revenge, pessimism, insecurity to contentment, belief, hopefulness, love, freedom etc. Therefore grief, is in fact, your closest ally, as it is not giving you any other option, than to surrender to and allow yourself to go through each level and dimension of every vibrational state, all in the purpose and pursuit, to lead you to become reconnected with yourself, others and the universe as a whole. It’s the toughest love you’ll face but the most profound and powerful. We then come to see the particular experience – dripping with all of its tragedy, pain and trauma – in fact enhanced our life. We will come to the understanding, that the lessons experienced in fact, added something to our life. Whatever the loss was, it will be regarded as a gift, instead of a trauma or pain. The value of grief, is that it transforms us, in enabling us to firstly become more in alignment with our true selves and secondly, we have the ability to see and comprehend, the fuller picture of reality, in a more profound way. You couldn’t have become what you are today and you would not have known all of the lessons learnt, as a result of the event. Grief can be one of the best catalysts for our lives. Your responsibility is to remember those lessons and pass on what they have taught you and share how they influenced you, in order to help others.

Intertwined in the evolution of the emotions felt during grief, is forgiveness. Forgiveness however cannot be forced, it’s a process that happens naturally. Forgiveness is reached, when we come to a point in our life, where we find approval for what happened.

Grief needs to be heard and this type of openness can be lifesaving. The pain can be so unrelenting. It therefore may feel hard or even impossible to keep a “brave face”, whilst you are simultaneously feeling disconnected from who you are and completely lost. If someone is in the depths of grief and is going through it in silence, feeling trapped in their mind and have retreated away from everything and everyone, with the intention of completely isolating themselves, loss can seem unendurable and intolerable, rather than simply painful and can lead to self-destructive behaviours, such as clutching to an addiction like alcohol, to temporarily numb the pain and emptiness. They may get trapped in a loop of denial, that nothing is wrong. Denial, however, will not lead one out of the cycle of grief. It’s paramount to remember that it’s okay to not be strong; to feel weak and vulnerable is part of the process. They may use a substance, to try to prevent themselves from feelings, that may arise such as guilt or shame and suffer quietly on their own. Guilt for example, may be felt as “survivors’ guilt”, feeling that they should have died in another’s place – or regretting what they did or said or did not do or say, before it was too late. This process allows one to revaluate life. It’s natural to question things when grieving. If there are regrets, “I should have…”, this time allows us to learn from those regrets. Grief takes up a lot of space in the body and mind and its all-consuming nature, if not dealt with in a healthy way, can mean that it overrides every life decision and thought process of an individual, keeping them within a state of powerlessness.

Bestselling author and widower C. S. Lewis said in the opening line of his book, A Grief Observed, “nobody ever told me that grief felt so much like fear”. What are we fearful of? The fear of losing ourselves, in the darkness of our deep anguish and pain. The fear of growing old alone, with no one to share life or love with. The fear that the intense pain and emotions will never cease. When propelled into grief, we can feel damaged, isolated and completely alone and therefore, afraid of everything because we are wading, through the sense of disconnection, presented before us. Every cigarette smoked, every lover gained, only to protect us from ourselves, is our desperate attempt to escape from our own emotion.

When people say the word “acceptance”, it usually means that they will “try” to be okay with something. However, rather than “convincing” ourselves that we’re okay, the healthiest approach to grief, is to find a sense of reconciliation and resolution. It is paramount that we are present with the sheer shock and trauma of someone or something’s absence. We must allow ourselves to submerge into the feeling, of the lack of a person or circumstance in our life. This is called “dipping into the void” and the pain feels incurable. That’s why, on grieving, it’s vital that this process is not done alone.

Grief has the power to bring people together and that in and of itself is healing. Everyone that is called into our lives, shares a part of us, as they mirror certain aspects of us. Therefore, even if they are not grieving, by allowing them in, you will be gifting them with your vulnerability, as it will be there to teach them deep lessons, that are going on in their inner and outer reality. Each of us, experience different emotional vibrational states so being in the presence of someone who is transitioning, through some of the hardest, only allows the other person to reflect on their own choices, motives and inner healing.

Regardless of whether you can allow someone to be with you through the pain, sit with and breathe into the intense emotions, do not fear this process or be resistant to it. Open yourself to emotions, be the participant and also the observer. Accept your emotions as they come; you will find that you do not have to let your emotions control you. Notice, accept and do not judge them; let them be there. Remind yourself, that it’s okay to “feel”, that’s part of being human. We don’t have to perform the same day in day out, according to societal values and beliefs. We are energetic form and therefore, our emotions flow through us like waves in the ocean. Sometimes crashing us senseless, then a relentlessness eb and flow, to calm and still and back again. It’s okay to feel grief and all the emotions that appear within it. Let the pain wash through your being and allow it to bound in and fester and then dissolve. Notice what’s going on in your body and breathe. Breathe and cry and as you’re detoxing, ensure you drink water. Do not hide your emotions from yourself or others. You don’t even need to react to the emotion. Do no suppress or try to avoid this process, in an attempt to escape it. Allow your strong emotions to move through you and listen to them and feel them intensely. You can let yourself feel. Lean into pain and turn over every uncomfortable emotion. Validate each emotion, until a sense of resolution with each is reached. When you’re completely with those sensations, then you in fact travel through them and you actually move and shift beyond them. Having emotions, means we have hearts. It’s not, how can I numb, suppress or end this pain instantly. It’s what’s the meaning of this pain, what does it reveal to me, what is it calling me to understand.

If we do not integrate grief and loss into our emotional body, this means that we will be manifesting more and more scenarios in life, where we experience this. This is because our emotional body, is calling out to us, to become whole. It’s a reflection of our mirrored wound. Our external world is a hologram of our internal world. As like attracts like, we will be attracting the same fragmented part of ourselves, again and again, until we understand and learn to completely feel and transmute it, in order for it to transition, from a negative to a positive. This integration can be quickly achieved through Inner Child Therapy. If negative patterns are repeating, we need to go back to when they first occurred. In the case of grief however, this is something that all of us, incarnate into this earth with, we are in fact united by it. We essentially lost ourselves in our birth into our physical form. We abandoned ourselves when we separated ourselves, from that which we truly are – from source. We are grieving “loss of self”, who we truly are at our core. By manifesting more and more scenarios, we are only being shown, that we need to go back to who we are, without any filters, facades and barriers. To be authentic and honest with ourselves. We suffer to the intense extent, that the desire within us to be whole again, is powerful enough to draw us back to ourselves, re-joining us back to source, as source and self are one in the same. Emotion is what leads you back to you, your true essence.

We must make a vow never to abandon ourselves again. We must make a vow, to be completely with ourselves in each and every moment of our lives, without needing ourselves or the way we feel to be different ~ T.S.

Grief is the last act of love, we can give to those we loved and to ourselves.

For more information about Inner Child Therapy, please email: info@niroshini.com

Shamans believe that when we transcend through many phases in life, enduring several experiences, our soul gets damaged, resulting in different aliments and disorders. They believe however that all illness, comes from “losing power or giving power away”, to someone or something.

When someone is co-dependent, this is in fact, a form of giving your power away “your centre of power”, as your sense of worthiness has been externalised and placed within others.

If your centre of power is located outside of yourself, this will mean that internally, you will have a dysfunction with your energy system, there will be a weakness in it. A person’s centre of power is located between the second and third chakra. Co-dependency will germinate in the root (tribal chakra), sacral (relationship chakra and also where your power starts as an individual) and solar plexus (where your power as an individual reaches maturation) – the lower, foundational chakras. Co-dependency is born in childhood. These three chakras are affected, as they are predominant in childhood. The root chakra is the first to activate in us; group or tribal consciousness. The sacral chakra is individualised consciousness – a very specific type of power is developed, in the second chakra – it’s “power in relationships”.

This co-dependent style is common to be a cyclical pattern, that can be displayed in all relationship dynamics; with romantic partners, family members, friends and colleagues. This relationship style, creates a sense of purpose found in a compulsive need to care for, save, rescue, assist and help others.

In psychology, the co-dependent is described as someone who sacrifices their own needs, for the needs of others. They deny their own healthy needs. If you are “sacrificing” yourself, this essentially means that you have placed your centre of power – worthiness, validation, sense of approval, self-esteem, your identity and self-image – into someone else, therefore, there is a lack of a sense of “Self” and identity within you. When a person’s centre of power is externalised in someone else, then they are completely dependent on others being in their lives and this manifests in the form of creating a dynamic where, the co-dependant can feel as if they are needed and relied upon so they usually take on the role of taking care of or “saving”, rescuing or compulsively needing to “help or assist” others, in order to get a sense of self-worth. This is a dysfunctional relationship style where one endeavours to “give themselves up” which is destructive. They create an illusion of “goodness” to themselves and the outside world – “I give myself up for other people”. I say the co-dependent “endeavours” to do this because it’s not possible to give yourself up – you cannot give up your own needs and wants. What happens is, instead of expressing them, the co-dependent will suppress them and live a life that is unfulfilled and inauthentic. This can then manifest as a denial of what one’s true desires are. Essentially a co-dependent holds back emotions, they may suffer from depression (a suppression of emotion) and as a result, end up rejecting and disowning certain aspects of themselves.

To have a healthy relationship of mutual empowerment, it needs to be one of authenticity and this is actualised when in a state of cocreation. Both honour their own needs and desires and fulfil them in a way that is healthy for both, in order to create the life that they want with one another, in an interdependent and symbiotic way. Both have their best interests capitalised on, where both people’s needs are met. We live in an interdependent universe. The truth of this universe is that of oneness.

If a co-dependent is yearning for a sense of self-worth and the only way that they can feel this, is within others, it is very usual for them to end up in cyclical relationship patterns that are toxic. If the co-dependent gets into a relationship dynamic that is toxic, for example, with a person that has a high conflict personality style such as narcissism, this is in fact a mirror of the co-dependent. Like attracts like and essentially, the co-dependent, can be described as a covert narcissist. The definition of a narcissist, is a person who has an excessive interest in or admiration of themselves. The co-dependent has the same traits but displayed in a hidden way – within others.

Co-dependent was a term that originated in clinical literature that focused on addiction. The addiction in this scenario is “a person or people”, as the co-dependent has an extreme focus outside of them in other people. They need other people in order to feel good about themselves. The co-dependent does not have value towards themselves or value who they are. They require other people in order to feel valuable. As like attracts like, it is common for a co-dependent to attract someone into their lives, with an addiction whereby they can feel as if they have to “save” that person from themselves. However, the motive behind this “help”, is to enable the co-dependent to feel better within themselves so it is therefore not done for unselfish reasons. This co-dependent compulsive addiction, manifests itself in the need to be needed – as by in the helping and in the sacrificing of themselves for others, that’s where they get a spike in their self-worth, as internally, they have none residing inside of them.

By being in a toxic relationship, a co-dependent can display anger and frustration towards themselves, as they know that there’s something fundamentally wrong with how their life is being lived. They know that they are not being treated well and they know they are in fact responsible for the issues going on in their lives. They strive to gain their self-esteem and worthiness, through the endurance of an unhealthy relationship. They keep sticking it out, despite the harm it brings to all. They are responsible for keeping other people trapped in that relationship, even though it is hurting both. Essentially, the co-dependent has created a very victimised situation and finds any excuse to stay in it, to maintain their sense of identity and self-worth, at the detriment to themselves and the other person.

A co-dependent feels that in order to “feel” powerful within themselves, they need to “save” others. However, when a co-dependent is relentlessly giving their power away, this means that they are responsible for draining their own life force so it’s very common for them to become run down, have low energy and have various dis-eases. When your self-worth is externalised, you have no sense of Self and this is why co-dependents have no sense of boundaries, allowing others to treat them however they wish to – not knowing how to impose their limits, being non-assertive and not knowing how to say “no”. Therefore, the co-dependent won’t attain a sense of power in this way, as they are literally depleting their centre of power within this unhealthy dynamic and can face a lot of suffering as a consequence. By overextending themselves, by saving one or multiple people, the co-dependent can become completely overwhelmed and suffer from over exhaustion.

A co-dependent will have a fear of abandonment. If a romantic partner for example leaves and the co-dependent is left on their own, then their illusion of self-worth literally “walks out the door” and they feel completely vulnerable as on their own, standing on their own two feet, they do not actually know who they are; they have no sense of Self. High anxieties therefore arise from the very thought of separation in a co-dependent dynamic. Therefore, they trade in their absolute need for closeness and in doing so, simultaneously deny their own personal truth. A co-dependent may be so frightened of being abandoned, that they go to extreme measures, to keep someone sick so they can never leave so the person remains dependant on them. For example, their partner may misuse substances or have difficult or toxic patterns and behaviours but the co-dependent will minimise those issues by denying them and repeatedly rescuing them in a caregiving capacity or by other means such as money or helping that person to avoid criminal consequences for their behaviour, all in an attempt to “save or rescue” them. In other words, if for example, a substance user’s disorder is healed, that in effect would threaten the co-dependent, in terms of them losing their sense of purpose and identity. They don’t want change. Fear of change is a strong feature in a co-dependent. It’s very typical, for those that possess a fear of abandonment, to go from one toxic relationship to another. They will have a tendency to “overlap” relationships, in order to feel “safe” to transition from one to the other. It can also be common for those with abandonment issues to cheat, as they long for that sense of feeling needed so if they feel any type of insecurity within their “main” relationship, where all of their identity pivots upon, the way they self-medicate, so to speak, from the fear derived from the thought of the “pain of losing someone”, is to cheat in order to temporarily make them feel a sense of safety, by having the feeling of being needed.

If your power resides in someone else, then you will be forever trying to control the other person, as they hold your power. This control can seep out in trying to also control the environment to contain that sense of self-worth and identity. You will possess a quality of hypervigilance, forever being on edge and chronically monitoring the environment for potential threats. However, people and the environment are in constant evolution so this is a battle that can never be conquered and as a result of this, it’s common for a co-dependent to have low trust in people and the universe as a whole. This results in the co-dependent feeling anxiety and stress.

A co-dependent person can frequently get angry when the person they are “helping” or are trying to save, do not thank them or show appreciation for all that they have done. They feel that they have every right to be angry too, without contemplating whether the person in question, actually asked for their help. They may also get angry because they feel taken advantage of but again, like attracts like and essentially, the co-dependent is in fact also taking advantage of the other person, by relying on them to feel good about themselves.

The reason why co-dependency forms, is a result of our learnings and experiences in childhood. It’s a by-product of adapting to dysfunctional human relationships.

If a child was neglected, physically or emotionally, then the child starts to feel emotions such as shame. They have a strong sense of feeling abandoned and this forms the understanding within themselves, that their own needs are not important to be met because this is what has been shown to them, by a caregiver or parent neglecting them in some way. Our universe is simply made of positive and negative. Neglect would be classified as a “negative”. If the child does not transmute this negative from their energetic system, they will continue to attract that same negative going into adulthood, in different scenarios throughout life – they will essentially be creating and manifesting more situations, where they feel neglected or abandoned but in the case of the co-dependent, they are in fact, neglecting themselves as they are putting their centre of power and their sense of worthiness within someone else. The reason why this repetition happens, is because the emotional body needs us to reintegrate that negative, in order to change it to a positive, to become whole again. A shaman would describe this as damaged holes in the soul. To remove this negative and replace it with a positive, this can be quickly and easily achieved through inner child therapy.

In some family dynamics, a child may have taken “emotional responsibility” for the parent, rather than being the “child” by becoming confidants, advisors, caregivers, mentors, mediators etc. Therefore, this externalisation of worth can show up in this circumstance. For example, if a child must care for a parent, then if the parent is sick, they can firmly believe, that they are responsible for that parents change in illness and if their condition worsens, they can feel shame. Therefore, depending on how the parent’s wellbeing fluctuates, this dictates the child’s emotions and their identity begins to be enmeshed within that parents illness. This process of enmeshment is a demonstration of very tangled boundaries and as a child, it is not known what appropriate boundaries are in a child and parent relationship. This pattern, then repeats itself in adulthood. 

A co-dependent, may have friends that can see that they are in a toxic relationship and try to encourage them to leave. The co-dependent however, may use an excuse to stay by saying something along the lines of “I feel completely responsible for their emotions and feelings so I can’t leave, they need me”. If the co-dependent is under no illusion that they need to remove themselves from the relationship, they may say “I want to leave but it’s just too painful, it’s like they are a part of me”. In both of these examples, you can see how the co-dependent, has totally externalised their identity and sense of purpose upon someone else.

If you firmly believe that you are “completely” responsible for how someone else feels, this only leads to suffering. It is not the reality and what you’re essentially doing, is erasing that person’s capability and this can result in you taking away another person’s feeling of empowerment and freewill, by making them dependent upon you. Therefore, it may seem to the co-dependent and the outside world, as a virtuous act but it’s in fact inauthentic.

In childhood, as mentioned above, responsibility may have been placed upon a child by parents or caregivers which was not appropriate for a child. In turn, this can make a child feel abandoned, as they know that this should in fact be the responsibility of the parent or caregiver, yet they clearly do not want to take on that responsibility. This sense of abandonment creates a feeling of pain and this then becomes the child’s understanding of what it feels like, if someone does not take responsibility for someone else. In adulthood, this can then develop in a hypervigilance of responsibility where the co-dependent feels, it’s their duty to not allow people to feel the pain that they felt as a child. By doing this, for the co-dependent, it can bring about a sense of connection to others. The truth is however, you are not “completely” responsible for how someone feels. Taking on this role, can lead to an immense amount of stress and pressure, in attempting to keep someone on an even keel, stable and under control. If you want someone to be completely reliant on you, to make them feel good – so that you too feel good – this is very destructive for both.

Inner child therapy is really the key in addressing co-dependency. Also, it is essential that we address the energetic system, in relation to the foundational chakras, strengthening them and reclaiming and recalling your power back.

If you have identified that you hold the traits of a co-dependent and want to find techniques in which to clear those patterns, empower yourself and transform your life, then at Niroshini, we have many strategies in which to address this.

For more information, please email: info@niroshini.com